I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, since then I actually feel better about myself.
Why?
I always had this idea deep inside of me that I wasn't a good person. I have hurt the ones I love too many times to have a good opinion of myself. I knew something was terribly wrong when I couldn't control my emotions or behavior in certain situations. What I missed that all those situations were actually very similar and they were triggers.
It was a lot easier to define the state I was in once i realized many more people suffer from same condition. I wasn't a bad person, I wasn't just someone who is over-sensitive and who can't control emotions and behavior. Now, I was defined, and more important - no, I am not a bad person I thought I am.
My anxiety and depression were (mostly) coming from this idea of low self-worth.
Whenever someone rejected me somehow, I felt I am in great danger of being abandoned. If I was waiting for someone to come for too long, I felt they don't care for me and are abandoning me. If someone rejected me for the day for the chance to be with his friends and/or family, I felt like they are turning their backs on me. This is particularly hard in romance relationships or very close friendships, as (at least in my case) I am always putting this whole idea about the sense of my existence in this other person who matters to me the most. When that person is not around, I feel like I don't have the reason to exist. If that person wants to hang out with somebody else, I feel like that person has just decided to kill me and doesn't care about me one bit. I then desperately try to bring the person back to me, using both nice and bad ways. I often turn to offense, and when I realize I made the mistake I try to say sorry and be more nice. But from the outside, it looks like manipulative behavior - someone offending you one moment and then saying he loves you the other. And I am aware all the time of how it looks and how I am perceived by the others, but the truth is: I am not manipulative. I actually didn't have idea what I was doing. I was so emotionally overwhelmed I didn't know what I was doing. I am just desperately trying to get the attention back so I don't feel abandoned.
The emotions of love, hate, and all other emotions are about five times stronger in individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder than in others. My bright moments are very bright, but my dark moments that come with specific triggers, are the darkest thing that exists in this world.
I am often told that I am over-sensitive, that I need to "just let go", that I am overly dramatic about details and things that are not so much big of a deal. Every time I am told that, I am hurt to the core, especially when person who matters to me is saying those things. People don't understand my emotions, not even the emotions of love. I was even told that I "love too much," by the person I am in romantic relationship with. I can't describe the pain I felt when I heard that. I was like a sunk ship in depths of the darkest ocean.
People were not only judging my bad moments, they also judged my feelings of love and happiness. They were all so strong they couldn't ever understand it. I felt something is very wrong with me and I am out of this world.
What is helping me right now?
First, it was a HUGE relief to actually KNOW what condition I have. When all the signs and symptoms got together, and literary ALL OF THEM, I knew I have find the cause, and so I can find the answer, and weapon to fight it.
When my negative emotions start to occur, I immediately start to say to myself: "You are not abandoned by anyone. It's all in your head."
I repeat this as many times as I need, until I start to calm down.
After that, as I am still in very vulnerable state, I am trying to make myself busy. I read a book, start to write something, listen to music, go for a walk, ask someone out for a coffee and small talk, and - WHAT IS HELPING ME THE MOST: I am trying to find myself, as when I feel abandoned, I don't have idea of who I am.
Then I remember: I am a blogger, photographer, writer, journalist, IT technician, I have very good friends that care for me, and I care for them, I'm thinking about little things I love specific to me (as it is a way to myself): sound of crickets, fireflies at night, warm weather, sounds of thunderstorm approaching - I LOVE all these things and it is who I am. I answer all the questions, remember who I am, and then...
I don't feel abandoned at all. I start to be rational and my negative emotions fade away totally. Then I conclude: No, I am not a bad person. Even if people sometimes can't understand me, things that make me or the things I love.
I am regaining control.
If you are diagnosed or you think you might be a borderline personality type, I am advising you to try these things that helped me. And in case you don't know about more different ways of approach, it is a good thing to read about Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
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