As I will later find out (I will write more about it soon) my social anxiety wasn't alone. It was caused by different triggers in crucial periods of my life as I was already struggling with personality disorder that was not much visible in childhood and teen years.
When you are a kid, you try to fit in a peer group. You desperately want to blend in and to imitate the popular kids as much as you can. If you can't imitate them, you must try to be their "bodyguard" of a kind, be always around them, doing what they tell you to, and agree with them no matter what. At least that's how I saw it. But I never quite made it. I wasn't a good imitator, nor I was a good bodyguard. I became the "quiet one" and the border between the quiet one and the weird one that anyone else rip on is very small.
So, when I was attacked, I fought back. Verbally or physically. Unfortunately, as I will later find out, I eventually started responding to anything with physical defense. If someone took my mobile phone to tease me for a few moments a would knock him in the head and cause injury. After that, I was so emotionally overwhelmed I would start to shake uncontrollably and feel severe cold in all my body even if it was very hot around me. The exact same reaction is still repeating in my adult life after specific triggers, also very related to my personality disorder I will write about soon.
I have never mastered using words to get what I want. I've never mastered having small talk conversation that I am still very awkward in. I've never mastered approaching someone and asking him/her for a small favor. And I never mastered using anything but verbal and physical violence when I feel threatened.
Those are the things that are still holding me down. I often feel I am drowning. But I know I have to go on.
I know I have to fight them. And if YOU experience the same or the similar... You have to fight them too.
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