Living with social anxiety is hell. I don't remember when it started, but surprisingly, I do remember one unusual detail from my childhood.
I was outgoing and cheerful and I enjoyed every occasion to talk to people. when I was four years old, I had no problem whatsoever to talk to strangers, go somewhere alone or ask someone to do something for me. The period when it all begun to change is a blurred line, so I don't know what could have triggered my anxiety. But I do remember this - when I was five years old, I've asked myself deep inside how would it feel like to have fear of talking to people (as I actually enjoyed talking to them). Well, what a twist of destiny.
Now I am living in hell of high social anxiety and I have all the answers for my 5-year-old self.
Living with social anxiety is having all you dreams right in front of your nose, and knowing you can't reach them because you feel scared.
It is constantly questioning if you are a coward, if you are an error of nature's creation, if you are going crazy.
It is, when you hear people laughing, constantly asking yourself if day laugh at you. It is when you have good time with friends and laugh with them, but keep constantly asking yourself if they are laughing with you or at you.
It is having the fear of becoming paranoid, it is having the fear of the fear itself.
It is waiting when your next panic attack is going to happen and fearing it will make you look stupid.
It is feeling people are looking at you and judging you when you walk to a supermarket, when you go anywhere, when you do anything.
It is not being able to sleep because you remember awkward situations and wonder what others think of you.
It is, after years and years of social anxiety that you start to hide yourself from people, to avoid social situations, and barricade yourself in your comfort zone, which is anything but comfortable. It is where you start to feel hopeless and where your depression starts kicking in.
Wait, my 5-year-old self might not even know what exactly depression means... But it knows now.
I sometimes do ask myself if things would be different only if I hadn't asked myself what it feels like to be scared of people.
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