I often find myself lost in thoughts as I am building some kind of shield to protect me. This happens mostly when I am alone or I am walking alone. Every human being who is passing by me is triggering mild to severe anxiety deep inside of me.
As I experience a rush of thoughts I often discover that I am disorganized and many times it is hard for me to cross the street. You would think:What is there to think about really, you cross the street when green light is on for you. Well, I wish it is that easy. I live in a city with crazy drivers and not so good organized traffic and many street crossings don't even have traffic lights. (Well, maybe not SO MANY really, but they make me feel very afraid and confused)
Then I start to overthink the situation. You know, every time there is those few moments when red light is on for you and also for the other side - those few moments right before green light for you goes on signaling you to cross the street. If I wait for the my green light, cars from the other side will rush and turn quickly over the crossing as it is green light to them the same time it is green light to me. So, every time I use those few moments before my green light actually turns on to cross the street in "peace" and not in fear someone will run me over (drivers in my city are not that considerate).
I guess this is what other people are thinking when they are crossing the street: It's clear, it's green light for me, here I go. Period.
And this is what goes on in my mind: Do I look stupid? Will green light every turn on? I bet those drivers are looking at me as they are passing by. They judge me. I must prepare. Here comes the red light for the other side... now, run! Now, quick gaze on the side - Oh, the car from the other side turned! Cool, it stopped for me. I bet the driver is judging me. Thinking "move away you fool!".
My heart beats. I start to sweat a bit and I have short breath. If there are people going towards right after I crossed the street: that's it! I'm having a mild panic attack...
I walk very quick, so quick I start to sweat and breath deeply - and there is no need for me to go that quick really. I feel pain in my lungs, and I feel my heart beating fast... I am starting to think what kind of a loser I am.
Will I ever make it in life? Why can't I go on a single walk alone without that panic and that awful thoughts! Will I ever be free from this prison of my soul?!
I rush to my home, close the door, sit and feel exhausted... I can not concentrate I feel so much tired and I can't work properly...
Sometimes I lay in my bed wishing I fall to sleep and wake up as other person who is better than me.
But I remember: I am not alone. And I remember many of my friends saying they are not comfortable walking alone. I try to breathe more deep.
And I am willing to fight.
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